Each person is unique and necessary. No one holds more value, worth, or importance than another. That must mean me too.
I remember sitting there at my computer when I heard the announcement to the world that basically, we were just going to shut down. Inside my mind, I immediately heard, "this is it" like a switch had been flipped.
That same day I drove to work; I was a nurse, therefore an "essential worker". There was no one out, Santa Fe was a surreal ghost town. The highway to Cuyamungue was virtually deserted and though the beauty of the surroundings hadn't changed, somehow the world had. I knew it with certainty at that moment. I also felt assured that I would be just fine.
As much as I knew the shutdown would be a world-changing event, I also knew it would be a profound catalyst in my personal life. The sense of impending change swelled up inside me and like in so many instances of my experience, I didn't know how to share my internal
experiences with others.
My big fat ego problem...it's not what you think.
I didn't start this blog because I have a BIG FAT EGO, but rather a BIG FAT CASE of
Impostor Syndrome. "a psychological occurrence in which an individual doubts their skills, talents, or accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a fraud." - Wikipedia.
I would add to the list of doubts: about worth, value, and importance. The words all mean the same thing. How does one appreciate or not appreciate one's self?
I've always had something to say and a desire to express myself. I learned quickly, from very well-meaning people, that I was way down on the totem pole as far as the importance of my thoughts on any given subject. Mostly I think it was because I spoke or asked about things that didn't jive with my age, and so what I said was laughed at, as in... "lol, oh isn't that cute, I wonder how she thought of that"
I'm just going to say it - I was a weird child from the get go. I think I know why.
There are a few things my Mother told me as a young child that has stuck in my mind. One is that while having pneumonia, with a very high fever, I was "talking out of my head about God", she said I was 2 or 3 years old.
As a teenager, I remember asking her what I said when I talked about God, but she couldn't remember any of it, only that I had. While thinking about it at 58 years old, it occurred to me for the first time that talking about God at the age of 2 or 3 was odd.
I have no memory of this time period but I believe it's likely I had some sort of near-death experience. After watching and reading hundreds of NDE accounts I feel similarities and connections to the experiences. I have no memory of an NDE, however, I had a very peculiar inner world for my age which seems like an after-effect of such experiences.
Here are some of the odd things that occupied my mind as a very young child.
I remember thinking about the concept of myself and other humans as eternal beings. I clearly remember myself in my Grandfather's front yard thinking I knew something my family didn't understand and that death had a different meaning to them.
I had a concept of multiple dimensions. I would go into a closet and pretend to push a button to go to another dimension. I didn't have the vocabulary to think of the word dimension but understood I could go to another "place" that was in the space I was in. After coming out of the closet I remember walking around my family thinking they didn't realize I was there but in another "space". I remember telling my mother and grandmother I could go where there were dinosaurs. My grandmother died when I was 4 to give context to my thoughts at that age.
I had a very clear picture and concept in my mind of a white flame inside my body at the Solar Plexus area and knew that was how I was alive as a human being. I also knew that when someone died that white flame left the body and that person would be elsewhere. I didn't know where, I only knew they would still exist. That's how I thought of it, I had no references such as spirit or soul at that time.
I had a big mind in a little body and I think those sorts of thoughts must have come through whatever experiences I had during my bout with pneumonia. Nothing else makes sense to me, those sorts of topics were not present in my surroundings at that time. Where did a 3 year old get those concepts?
These were the topics of conversation that taught me to keep my mouth shut very early. I loved my family very much but felt strangely isolated because the things I wanted to talk or ask about got shut down. Naturally, I felt like something was wrong with me and I wanted to please everyone around me, because I loved them, and wanted to fit in. I felt I had to disguise my true self to maintain acceptance within my family. They were not at fault, they just treated my weird thoughts the best way they knew how which was not to acknowledge or discuss them.
This was the first of many life experiences that lead me to develop a deep fear of having my inner world known or seen.
And then my Maverick inspirational role model, Forrest Fenn made me determined to speak my mind. Thank you for inspiring me to write without regard to the outcome, but only for the need to record my testimony.
Forrest Fenn was a great American mystic from my viewpoint. Most knew him as an eccentric art dealer and war hero in Santa Fe, New Mexico. He was also famously known for hiding a beautiful bronze chest full of treasure, and leading hundreds of enthusiastic people in a search for his treasure, using clues from a poem contained in his book, 'The Thrill Of The Chase".
He inspired me to write about my life only for myself, and send it out into the Universe.
He encouraged everyone to do so.
I encourage everyone to read his story, 'My War For Me', a spiritual masterpiece in its simplicity. Forrest shared my disrespect of spelling and grammatical rules and invented words as he saw fit suggesting it was only important that a reader knew what he meant.
He is my Maverick role model, deciding to create his life as he saw fit.
He helped me understand that my experience and thoughts are as valuable to this universe as anyone's. And so thank you Forrest for helping me find my guts again after 55 years and answering my emails about those rocks. I just love that guy.
Closing thoughts about why I started this blog, in a nutshell.
I need to share my experiences, thoughts, and the account of my life so far, and besides, Forrest Fenn would be proud, I just know it. So, today I start where I left off over 55 years ago letting my freak flag fly.
To anyone who may be reading this, I wish you all the blessings of life.